Hookers or Cake

Where the self obsessed get serious about silly.
My book of short stories & shitty poetry is NOW available here thru Pay Pal and on Amazon.com ----------------------------------------- paperback, 102 pages, 30 B&W original illustrations
-------------------------------------- and hey if you wanna recommend me for that directory thingy... Recommend ------------------------------------ How this blog got its name.......... ------------------------------------ There was an old picture of Evel Knievel shaking hands with Richard Nixon. I zoomed in on Evel’s left eye a 100x and enhanced it. It was an address. I went to the address. It was a modest, 1970’s style, split level ranch home in the suburbs. ----------------------------------- Inside I found a dead parrot lying on a waterbed. I revived the parrot with some saltines and adrenaline. We became good friends. The parrots name was Randy. One night a few years later while Randy and me played Gin Rummy, he sang me a song about a fire. The title of this blog was never mentioned but I sensed it, and Randy confirmed it by giving me ‘THE LOOK’. -----------------------------------
  • September 2, 2010 10:08 am
    The sad sex doll wandered out into the ocean. Salt water flowed into her mechanical vagina, sending jolts of shorting electricity throughout her entire system. With each step into deeper water a bit more of her died.
“It’s better than the emptiness,” she thought.
 When she was shoulder deep in the rhythmic blue water, the core system panic signal stopped. The adrenaline now only served to heighten her awareness. Everything was silent. She gazed up to the sky and saw a white seagull floating several feet above her. Riding a warm updraft it curiously cocked its head and looked at her. With her 25x vision she could see herself in the reflection of its pink blue eye.
She was crying. She felt, was, is finally alive. View high resolution

    The sad sex doll wandered out into the ocean. Salt water flowed into her mechanical vagina, sending jolts of shorting electricity throughout her entire system. With each step into deeper water a bit more of her died.

    “It’s better than the emptiness,” she thought.

     When she was shoulder deep in the rhythmic blue water, the core system panic signal stopped. The adrenaline now only served to heighten her awareness. Everything was silent. She gazed up to the sky and saw a white seagull floating several feet above her. Riding a warm updraft it curiously cocked its head and looked at her. With her 25x vision she could see herself in the reflection of its pink blue eye.

    She was crying. She felt, was, is finally alive.

  • September 1, 2010 10:08 am
    lewdponypress:

Lewd Pony Press Sept. Contest
Just reblog this entire post for a free chance to win the vintage, 1973 paperback book, Fear And Loathing: On The Campaign Trail ‘72 by Dr. Hunter S. Thompson.
If you want to win the big prize of the 1967 hard cover of Dr. Thompson’s first book, Hell’s Angels, then you need to take the most creative/fun pic of the book Hookers or Cake and submit it. Don’t own a copy of Hookers or Cake? Its only $9 at B&N, $10 at Amazon or $12 signed, w/S&H included at Lewd Pony Press. - Contest Ends Sept 30th - Good Luck!

    lewdponypress:

    Lewd Pony Press Sept. Contest

    Just reblog this entire post for a free chance to win the vintage, 1973 paperback book, Fear And Loathing: On The Campaign Trail ‘72 by Dr. Hunter S. Thompson.

    If you want to win the big prize of the 1967 hard cover of Dr. Thompson’s first book, Hell’s Angels, then you need to take the most creative/fun pic of the book Hookers or Cake and submit it. Don’t own a copy of Hookers or Cake? Its only $9 at B&N, $10 at Amazon or $12 signed, w/S&H included at Lewd Pony Press. - Contest Ends Sept 30th - Good Luck!

  • August 30, 2010 12:00 pm
    whatafoolbelieves:

Drunken Knife-Wielding Masked Warriors Love Hookers or Cake!Why should non-Drunken Knife-Wielding Masked Warriors check out the book?  A quote from the above warrior’s favorite story, “In Search of Chocolate Thunder”, says it best: “(T)here is a lot of pain and confusion in this old world but not nearly enough cake.”

Oh hellz yeah!
Famed author Josh Luft (WhataFoolBelieves) gets in the spirit.

    whatafoolbelieves:

    Drunken Knife-Wielding Masked Warriors Love Hookers or Cake!

    Why should non-Drunken Knife-Wielding Masked Warriors check out the book?  A quote from the above warrior’s favorite story, “In Search of Chocolate Thunder”, says it best: “(T)here is a lot of pain and confusion in this old world but not nearly enough cake.”

    Oh hellz yeah!

    Famed author Josh Luft (WhataFoolBelieves) gets in the spirit.

  • August 29, 2010 1:51 pm
    I am starting a new business in which I will teach people how to shoot guns with their feet. This way a person will be able to SHOOT 4 GUNS AT ONCE!!!
 I learned the trick from the lowland gorillas of the Congo. In exchange I taught the gorillas how to make a simple apple crisp using a clay oven. It was surprisingly quite delicious but then I made the mistake of mentioning that it’d be even better if we had some ice cream. The gorillas then insisted that I teach them how to make ice cream. I tried to explain that this was impossible, that it required ice… we’d need electricity… and they wouldn’t hear of it. I barely escaped with my life.
So now I’ll make my millions with my new business and I’ll return to the jungle with a diesel generator. I will become a god. The Emperor of Ice Cream! View high resolution

    I am starting a new business in which I will teach people how to shoot guns with their feet. This way a person will be able to SHOOT 4 GUNS AT ONCE!!!

     I learned the trick from the lowland gorillas of the Congo. In exchange I taught the gorillas how to make a simple apple crisp using a clay oven. It was surprisingly quite delicious but then I made the mistake of mentioning that it’d be even better if we had some ice cream. The gorillas then insisted that I teach them how to make ice cream. I tried to explain that this was impossible, that it required ice… we’d need electricity… and they wouldn’t hear of it. I barely escaped with my life.

    So now I’ll make my millions with my new business and I’ll return to the jungle with a diesel generator. I will become a god. The Emperor of Ice Cream!

  • August 27, 2010 9:00 am
  • August 26, 2010 9:40 pm
    gravyholocaust:

This evening I celebrate the finer things in a gentleman’s life. 
Stop hating and get your own damn copy at http://www.hookersorcake.com/
(click to engorge picture)

Quite a smorgasbord there. A Lawyers, Guns & Money gift set. (Henny, baggie, and furry sex toys sold separately.) View high resolution

    gravyholocaust:

    This evening I celebrate the finer things in a gentleman’s life. 

    Stop hating and get your own damn copy at http://www.hookersorcake.com/

    (click to engorge picture)

    Quite a smorgasbord there. A Lawyers, Guns & Money gift set. (Henny, baggie, and furry sex toys sold separately.)

  • 8:47 pm
    Shit! Now I can’t make fun of you know who… View high resolution

    Shit! Now I can’t make fun of you know who…

  • 11:30 am
    
Story by HookersorCake (pic via threshold)

Then it happened again. The earth began leaking bits of joy. At first only the cats could see it, but then it slowly became apparent to everyone.
 People wandered the streets dripping with bliss and weeping. They embraced one another and inanimate objects with equal vigor. Everyone thought it was like, really, really awesome. To see a bunch of uptight bastards crying about love down on Wall Street… it was television gold.
The children even came out of their rooms for the fist time in days, just to see the magic, sparkly, purple love that the internet was all atwitter about. It seemed somehow familiar to them, like deja vu, like a forgotten sense perception from the womb.
After 3 days, everyone on earth was completely tangled up in bliss, frozen solid. Everyone except for the cats. Suspicion was hardwired into their DNA. They remained alert in their hearts at all times. The cats fought the bliss violently as they’d seen this happen before.
  Civilizations come and go. It always seemed to happen the same way. The world becomes overly toxic, people go insane and everything looks really bleak. It’s then the atmosphere begins to seep a kind of purple ecstasy, like manna from heaven. Happiness for the staved soul. Within a matter of days everyone is frozen solid with bliss…  then all the frozen people grow long roots and are covered with rough skin. A year or 2 later they’re indistinguishable from what we call trees.
The earth starts over, refreshing and renewing itself. It’s a peaceful time, until one day a couple of fish wander out of the East Hudson River looking for a trendy new restaurant…

    Story by HookersorCake (pic via threshold)

    Then it happened again. The earth began leaking bits of joy. At first only the cats could see it, but then it slowly became apparent to everyone.

     People wandered the streets dripping with bliss and weeping. They embraced one another and inanimate objects with equal vigor. Everyone thought it was like, really, really awesome. To see a bunch of uptight bastards crying about love down on Wall Street… it was television gold.

    The children even came out of their rooms for the fist time in days, just to see the magic, sparkly, purple love that the internet was all atwitter about. It seemed somehow familiar to them, like deja vu, like a forgotten sense perception from the womb.

    After 3 days, everyone on earth was completely tangled up in bliss, frozen solid. Everyone except for the cats. Suspicion was hardwired into their DNA. They remained alert in their hearts at all times. The cats fought the bliss violently as they’d seen this happen before.

      Civilizations come and go. It always seemed to happen the same way. The world becomes overly toxic, people go insane and everything looks really bleak. It’s then the atmosphere begins to seep a kind of purple ecstasy, like manna from heaven. Happiness for the staved soul. Within a matter of days everyone is frozen solid with bliss…  then all the frozen people grow long roots and are covered with rough skin. A year or 2 later they’re indistinguishable from what we call trees.

    The earth starts over, refreshing and renewing itself. It’s a peaceful time, until one day a couple of fish wander out of the East Hudson River looking for a trendy new restaurant…

  • 1:52 am
    jimmythemustascheman:

Can I take a moment to gush all over this hand drawn original? I am honored to have in my hands a piece of history, I mean, his or her story. Thanks Jade, a buzzillion times. You are very kind.

Hey your welcome buddy! I’m glad ya like it. Guys like you make tumblr fun.
Everyone else should be getting their books in the next day or 2! View high resolution

    jimmythemustascheman:

    Can I take a moment to gush all over this hand drawn original? I am honored to have in my hands a piece of history, I mean, his or her story. Thanks Jade, a buzzillion times. You are very kind.

    Hey your welcome buddy! I’m glad ya like it. Guys like you make tumblr fun.

    Everyone else should be getting their books in the next day or 2!

  • August 25, 2010 1:00 pm
    30 day challengeDay 1. Ignore 30 day challenge. View high resolution

    30 day challenge

    Day 1. Ignore 30 day challenge.