Hookers or Cake

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The Old Testament God lying in the dark with limp dick in hand.

What does he masturbate to?

When he closes his eyes do the dancing incarnate visions slowly lose all form and become amorphous jiggling blobs of pure creative matter? Does he find his mind wandering out into boundless space?

So if God is omnipotent, then he is quite obviously fucking himself. And thats soo gay, dude. For God there is no other, so he’s gettin blown, but he’s also doing the blowing! The greedy little Jew…

I guess I worry about God. I worry that he’s not having a good time. I worry that he’s not ‘getting it’ every which way he can. That life is a little bit of a bummer for him. Maybe I’ll get him a subscription to Juggs magazine and bring over some brownies.

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. 

 Ajuna: I have a razor but the whole world is clean-shaven. 

 Krishna: Shut up and shave the mustache.

    -from The Bhagavad Gita in the Mustache Te Ching

I’d fuck me hard.

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The mustache that can spoke of

    is not the eternal mustache

The understanding that can be understood

    is not wisdom


For the mustache is the beginning of heaven and earth

    it is the mother of all things


Mustachioed one can see the entire mystery

Mustacheless one only sees the manifestation


These two ways of being are identical

       they only differ in name


The mustache exists

     only when it does not

This is the gateway to all mystery.


     - Mustache Te Ching

but wheres the fajita’s and the pcp?!

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and the lawyers wrote their magical poetry
translating the law whichever way the money fell
the scientist wrote their manifestos to god
they told him/her to fuck off
“We don’t need you, when we can create our own diet soda,” they said.
“And we don’t need your Deus ex machina,
(I don’t even know what Deus ex machina means!)
but whatever it is, we don’t need it
and we sure as hell don’t understand it
and you can shove it
put it in all the bright pretty things & moments
and sell it down at the outlet mall.

but somewhere there was a pure man
an innocent… he believed in Jesus with the heart of a child
something about love
through all this pain and madness

and in his wallet he kept a picture of Jesus
it was old and crumbling
Jesus was holding his chest open
exposing his beating heart

his beating heart
which the world tore apart
like rabid dogs

maybe old Christ was showing us something
a little bit deeper about the truth of reality

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and just as God was twittering about some new internet porn that is also a tasty, healthy snack, I awoke from the dream.

I spent the next several weeks in a deep meditative state trying to recall the magical 140 character message. This was important, not only would it make me rich but it would also satisfy my every desire. Like if the body of Christ tasted like Doritos’s or chocolate but then also satisfied the deep longing to merge joyously into a blissful unity and wholeness.  Like diet soda that actually tasted delicious but then also had a great set of tits.

NOM NOM NOM indeed.

I chuckle as I write this, remembering that the first last supper (aka communion) was all about eating magical mushrooms. Some folks argue that all religions come from mushroom eating. Whatever the case I think we can all agree that good drugs sure have influenced music and the snack industry in some wonderful ways and plays of being.

(via hewhocannotbenamed)

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(via exponentialtitillation)

TGIF BITCHES…

My personal eschatology

When you die, you go to heaven and Godzilla makes you a huge rootbeer float.

In editing my book of short stories I’ve decided to come out with a family edition in which each story will end thusly.

…then all the kittens repented, became born again thru our Lord Jesus Christ and lived happily ever after. They never used illicit drugs, fornicated, gambled, blasphemed, or practiced evil cat magic again.

The End