Hookers or Cake

I got $50 bucks saying the new Batman

Mon, 28 May 2012 01:49:57 -0400

will be a steaming pile of shit.

Any takers?

“Perhaps, when we remember wars, we should take off our clothes...

Mon, 28 May 2012 01:18:56 -0400

“Perhaps, when we remember wars, we should take off our clothes and paint ourselves blue and go on all fours all day long and grunt like pigs. That would surely be more appropriate than noble oratory and shows of flags and well-oiled guns.”

Kurt Vonnegut, Cat’s Cradle

-excerpt from the book “How to Pitch a Cooking Show”...

Sun, 27 May 2012 02:55:00 -0400

-excerpt from the book “How to Pitch a Cooking Show” by Michael Kindt

I’ll stumble in drunk and try to make my own artisan bread, but I’ll be mysteriously seduced by the odd intricacy of the whole process. So much so that I’ll end up trying to fuck all the dough. Then I’ll pass out on the floor.

Last night I dreamt of Beethoven and I must’ve woken up...

Sun, 27 May 2012 02:22:00 -0400

Last night I dreamt of Beethoven and I must’ve woken up and written down what he said, I don’t remember doing this but when I awoke my notebook on the night stand was full of German phrases. I asked a friend of mine to translate… and here’s what Beethoven had to say.

Gods erection goes in all directions
stimulated by all the colors and sound

I once was lost
but now I’m found

cries the endless yawning
black hole in the ground

A puppet on a string
you are alone with everything
the puppetmaster sings

because he doesn’t exist
there is only everything

-Editors note: We were in a Cracker Barrel having breakfast, I had ham and eggs and Beethoven was eating a giant waffle covered with strawberries and whipped cream.

When Warren Zevon was diagnosed with inoperable cancer and only...

Sat, 26 May 2012 01:03:00 -0400

When Warren Zevon was diagnosed with inoperable cancer and only given a few months to live he decided against treatment that would have effected his ability to perform. He recorded one last record instead and lived a whole year, long enough to see his twin grandkids born. Here he is performing “My Shit’s Fucked Up”

Everyone knows that the nightis just a shadow of an ancient...

Fri, 25 May 2012 16:18:41 -0400

Everyone knows that the night
is just a shadow of an ancient bird

that the words you don’t sing
still get heard

by all the trees in the cemetery

My online dating profile never received much interest until I...

Fri, 25 May 2012 00:23:00 -0400

My online dating profile never received much interest until I listed one of my hobbies as dog fighting. Then I received all sorts of wonderful passionate hate mail. Of course it was mistake. I’d meant to write ‘pie’ fighting, because I’m sooo hilarious, but I must’ve been interrupted, perhaps by my own dog, Mr. Giggles.

After receiving more attention from the ladies than I had in my entire life, I was somewhat hesitant to admit my mistake, so I tried to spin it into a story. I told all the ladies that I was an entrepreneur and that I ran a dog pie fighting business, called Puppy Pie Fight! Basically I’d get a bunch of dogs together and throw pies at them and then the dogs eat the pies. Everyone wins! Dogs get pie and hopefully I meet some nice ladies.

The only problem was that dogs really love pie, so much that they will eat it until they vomit. And after they vomit they love nothing more than to eat the vomit. Of course they eat too much vomit and vomit it up again and then eat it - rinse and repeat ect. It was like the Myth of Sisyphus only with vomiting dogs, needless to say the ladies were not amused.

So thats how I spent the rest of my years. Alone, living way out on the edge of town with a wild pack of vomiting dogs.

There are several different stories tonight so I’ll be...

Wed, 23 May 2012 01:07:00 -0400

There are several different stories tonight so I’ll be brief and tell you a few. I don’t do the que. I just write things and immediately post them. Prolly explains all the horrific editing and grammar.

Superhero Dad - Its about a boy who’s father is in a nuclear accident and ends up in the hospital. The boy thinks this means his father will become some kind of superhero but his father just gets really sick and dies.

OK-5 (as opposed to Super-8) About an extremely rich man who takes really purposely terrible vacations every few months so he can enjoy his insane life of luxury even more. His cousin Frank hears of this philosophy and is subsequently killed trying to copulate with a wild boar.

Commencement Address - Its all about losing you stupid fucks! Anyone can win. Any moron can tie a bell to a stick and then ring it. Its easy. We’re dumb animals. Granted some peoples idea of winning is being unable to ring the bell. That’s their story and they get what they need out of it. Emotional BS being a kind of currency. But lets not fuck around, real honest losing is always the best win. So don’t be afraid, there is complete joy and peace in hell.

Jungle Office Flashbacks - There is a wild voice in all the wires that crawl through these walls - listen close and hear the air conditioning turn on and off - on and off - They tell me there is a color printer on the network but whenever I trace it out I’m wandering out the back door into the south fields - Chasing exotic birds into the freeway - a frightened owl in a cubicle

Perhaps I was hallucinating but I coulda swore I heard Pat Sajak...

Tue, 22 May 2012 22:57:00 -0400

Perhaps I was hallucinating but I coulda swore I heard Pat Sajak say he wished he had a bigger dog… something about no longer being blamed for all the massive bowel movements littering the back yard.

and perhaps Michelangelo’s greatest invention… the...

Tue, 22 May 2012 00:44:00 -0400

and perhaps Michelangelo’s greatest invention… the knock-knock joke.

He’d done a painting of God pissing on the Wailing Wall and when asked about it he wrote the following.

The Cosmos: “Knock-knock”

God: “Who’s there?”

The Cosmos: “Fuck You”

Mid sixties car commercial shows the dangers of mixing scotch...

Sun, 20 May 2012 01:03:24 -0400

Mid sixties car commercial shows the dangers of mixing scotch and dirty speed.

Lament of the used-car-salesman The Saturday night parties are...

Sat, 19 May 2012 23:32:15 -0400

Lament of the used-car-salesman

The Saturday night parties are just getting started

I ‘m making banana bread and trying convince my dog that one can learn how to control their dreams. He doesn’t believe me.

The wife is out of town… I should be driving an overpriced import and doing cocaine with ridiculous looking women at some terrible club. Making jokes about postmodern sofas. I should be wearing cuff-links made out of Woodrow Wilson’s teeth and jumping over the Grand Canyon while enjoying 50% percent fewer calories. I should be roaring through deep black space, the unblinking eye of god, being eternally reborn.

But here I am wrestling on the kitchen floor with a wolf, waiting patiently for snacks.

this wild horseshit that stumbles about your heart sets fire to...

Sat, 19 May 2012 02:07:00 -0400

this wild horseshit

that stumbles about your heart

sets fire to your dreams

hoping to collect insurance…

When did you become

so fucking lame

When world famous magician Doug Henning was on his death bed he...

Fri, 18 May 2012 02:11:00 -0400

When world famous magician Doug Henning was on his death bed he asked for his old magicians top hat. It was the first magic prop he’d bought when he was a little kid. Everyone gathered around for what he said would be his last magic trick.

With much fanfare and showmanship he twirled the hat around showing everyone that it was empty. He then reached inside and after a long dramatic pause sprung forth his empty hand out of the hat. “TA-DA!” he said with a stupid grin, with tears in his eyes. And then he died.

Needed to make a t-shirt for the annual work picnic.

Wed, 16 May 2012 01:23:00 -0400

Needed to make a t-shirt for the annual work picnic.

The assistant was devoured by some form of darkness, other than...

Wed, 16 May 2012 01:08:00 -0400

The assistant was devoured by some form of darkness, other than that it was a good job. All I had to do was to sit in a windowless office for 6 hours and answer a phone, if it rang. Then I was to write down whatever the voice said onto a piece of paper, place the message in the container, put it in the suction tube, and it would be jettisoned off somewhere through the ceiling.
“Where does the message go?” I asked.
“That is not important.” they said, they were twins, “What is important is that you write down and send it right off.”
“What if I need a break?” I said.
“Tell the camera that you need a break, it has a microphone, it is always on.”
“How many breaks,” I said, “and how long?”
“Take them when you need them as much time as you need, no more, no less,” they replied.
”OK.”
They closed the door. There was a small framed picture on otherwise barren walls. It looked like a childs drawing of a cat and some babies. I sat down at my new desk. And eyed the camera on the wall opposite of me. No one had told me about that. The office was small maybe 8’x 10’. The desk, a chair, an old rotary style red phone with no dial. It also had a little yellow light on it that I figured lit when it rang, only the phone only ever rang once and I happened to be out on break. The assistant told me when I walked back in.
“The phone rang.” he said.
“What?” I said. I’d been there three weeks and it hadn’t rang yet.
“The phone rang while you where gone,” he repeated.
“Did you answer it? What was the message, was it a mans voice?” The assistant looked perturbed. “It was the man and he said ‘Lion’.” The assistant left and closed the door. “Oh,” I said and sat down behind my desk. I noticed the container was still in its hopper below the chute. There was only one container. Did it come back already? Was I supposed to send the message? I stuck my face in front of the camera and held the container up “Hi, this is Jensen in 64 and I just got back from break and…” “Yes, I know I was just there.” said the assistant. “Oh, Yes, Hello again. Hey did you send the message or am I supposed to send it?”

“Its been taken care of.” said the assistant.
A few minutes later I could have swore I heard gunfire and muffled explosions but my hearing had been playing tricks on me as there was no sound except for a fan. In the white noise I heard all sorts of strange things while I worked there.
It was a week and a half later that I came back from an especially long break and the room was no longer there. Just an empty black void. I opened the door and almost fell in. I quickly slammed the door shut and just stood there for a few seconds. I cracked the door open and saw the blackness. I looked at the floor and it was gone. There was nothing. Infinite blackness. All the hair on my body felt like it was standing on end. I closed the door and took a deep breathe. I looked around and saw no one. I then walked to the front of the office, out the door over to my car, got in and started it. I locked the doors and drove away as fast as I could without getting pulled over. I went home filled a couple of suitcases with the essentials and just drove and drove until I got here. That was twelve years ago tonight.

thememegeneration: Mr Rogers Breakdancing (by Kubop1977) He...

Tue, 15 May 2012 23:38:09 -0400

thememegeneration:

Mr Rogers Breakdancing (by Kubop1977)

He doesn’t do as much breakdancing as you might like to see, but he gives it a try.

During the great depression President FDR had all the...

Tue, 15 May 2012 11:06:00 -0400

During the great depression President FDR had all the speedfreaks rounded up and given jobs as clowns. Most of them were violently insane and unemployable even by the shoddiest of circuses. The few that survived, many died playing tag on the new Interstate, made their way across country and were last seen in New Mexico.

Several years later about a dozen where spotted living in the jungles of Belize. They lived simply off the land like an ancient tribe though they still wore full clown regalia. An archaeologist that tried to infiltrate and study the group died after being forced to eat several pounds of confetti mixed with ayahuasca. A short AP article about the incident was picked up by several American newspapers and is often pointed to as the creation of the Batman villain The Joker.

Happy Mothers Day Shaft!

Sun, 13 May 2012 12:58:06 -0400

Happy Mothers Day Shaft!

No one at funerals realizeall the unfulfilled dreamsand...

Sat, 12 May 2012 13:20:00 -0400

No one at funerals realize
all the unfulfilled dreams
and desire
seep and slip from the dead
into our lives

Your grandmothers corpse
a trojan horse
full of gin and secret nights of
unfulfilled passion

It belongs to you now

Dancing into the early morning
circling town drunk on the train
looking for an address that no longer exists